Ok hopefully this entry doesnt get too deep. Sorry if it does, Im just in a deep kinda mood I guess I dont know. Why do I act the way I do? Why is it that every morning before going to school its like I put on a mask. People at school would never know when Im mad or upset unless I told them. I mean seriously think about it, whens the last time anyone at school has realized I was sad or I was mad and asked me about it? Not ever that I can remember unless I tell them first that Im sad or mad or whatever. I dont know why I act like I do because I just keep everything bottled up inside and never tell anyone about anything. I mean what would it be like if I didnt have a smile on my face when you walked in the classroom and sat down or if you passed me in the hallway and I didnt look up and exchange smiles with you? It would be weird right? Well see I act the way everyone expects me to act. Bright and cheery and happy all the time. Its almost like Im afraid to show the way that I feel to people, for the fear that they may think im dumb or that my reasons for being sad/mad are stupid. I know I shouldnt care what people think....but the sad thing is that I do. I think everyone cares about what other people think to an extent....

What do you do if it feels like all of the sudden you have lost someone that you use to think you could depend on and tell everything to? That you trusted and never dreamed that in a million years would stab you in the back and walk away from you. That you spent so much time with and then all of the sudden its like it doesnt even matter? Im so confused and lost, what did I ever do wrong? I dont know...I guess I must just be an awful, horrible friend. That is the only thing that I can think of. I just feel so left out and like it doesnt matter to anyone what I think or how I feel.

Then there are those friends that I have that are only friends with me when we are in school . The ones that I talk to all the time at school but then never call me or invite me to do anything with them. They never call, and never talk to me unless were at school and their other friends arent around. What do you do about those kind of people? I mean I really can't open up to them because how am I supose to know if they actually really do care? Its so confusing.

Then of course there are those few friends that I have that I know I can depend on and that will always be there. That actually care. To be completely honest I can only think of three people like that and its probably not the people you would imagine that it would be. Those are the people that I admire the most, the ones that not only act like my friend from time to time but also the ones that dont ditch me for guys or other friends and only want to be with me when the time is right for them. The ones that care, and that would be there for me no matter what. The ones that I feel like I can trust.

I would like to hope that people that I come in contact that fall in any one of those three catagories would consider me one of the kind of friends that are actually there and that actually cares. I hope that everyone out there knows that I can be trusted and that they can come to me whenever because I am always here. Hopefully no one feels like they have to wear a mask around me.........